17 June 2010

Let's increase G20 military spending by US$55,226,000,000

To: ALL G20 leaders
Mr Jacob Zuma (President, S. Africa), Mr Stephen Harper (Prime Minister, Canada), Mr Felipe Calderon (President, Mexico), Mr Barack Obama (President, USA), Ms Cristina Fernández de Kirchner (President, Argentina), Mr Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva (President, Brazil), Mr Hu Jintao (President, China), Mr Naoto Kan (Prime Minister, Japan), Mr Lee Myung-bak (President, S. Korea), Mr Manmohan Singh (Prime Minister, India), Mr Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono (President, Indonesia), His Excellency Abdullah I (King, Saudi Arabia), Mr Nicolas Sarkozy (President, France), Ms Angela Merkel (Chancellor, Germany), Mr Silvio Berlusconi (Prime Minister, Italy), Mr Dmitry Medvedev (President, Russia), Mr Recep Tayyip Erdoğan (Prime Minister, Turkey), Mr David Cameron (Prime Minister, UK), Mr Kevin Rudd (Prime Minister, Australia)

From: Dennis Tesolat (paralyzed guy, Osaka, Japan)

Re: Let's increase G20 military spending by US$55,226,000,000

Great news guys and gals!

I know that people always treat these G8/G20 events cynically. Complain about how much money it costs to host (sorry Steve). Even make fun of your intelligence and question your integrity. Well, no more!

This year we're going to have you create a G20 Commemorative Stem Cell Fund worth 29 billion dollars, AND still have you leave Toronto with a cool $55,226,000,000 in your pockets for increased military spending AND not have to increase taxes by even one cent.

People will swarm! Beautiful people will faint! Newspapers will call it a historic event and I promise that you will come out looking magnanimous.

I've tried to make the math as simple as possible and once you get your Finance Ministers to confirm the figures, please send me an email (stemcells.and.atom.bombs@gmail.com) to let me know that you're in. 

Just one small thing; I don't have the ready access that you do to your military spending, so sorry, but I've had to make due with the figures from your 2008 and 2009 military spending. So if I'm a couple of billion out here and there, please forgive me.

Below is a clear plan to pull it off. Your 2008 and 2009 military spending (don't forget to add six zeros after each number as it's in millions of US dollars) is shown in the two left hand columns after your country's name.

Since you're all rich in your own ways, I decided that the number one military spender (take a bow Mr Obama) should also be the one to show the most generosity. Therefore for the 29 billion dollar G20 Commemorative Stem Cell Fund  the US will pay 51.072% (US$14,810,784,068) and Argentina (sorry guys) will only have the privilege to contribute 0.201% (US$58,237,819).

The spin (if you're not a G20 leader, please do not read this part)
If you look at the far right column you'll see that I did the math on a per capita basis (your country's total contribution divided by your country's population). You need to announce that each person in your country will contribute the per capita amount (e.g. Mr. Kan from Japan will announce that each man, woman, and child in Japan will pay $8.21 to the fund).
Read this part carefully as this is where you come out looking good. Then you announce that so as not to burden each man, woman, and child with the per capita rate,  your government will pay the costs out of your military spending (Australians will therefore not have to pay $20.11 each).

"Hurra!" each German will not have to pay $13.12. The Turks will say, "Evet!" as they will not have pay $5.85 each.

But actually, little will anyone know that since you increased military spending in 2009 by US$84,226,000,000 you'll still be able to have an increase of $55,226,000,000 for your armies (also it was your citizen's money to start off with so it doesn't cost you anything).

You still get the armies, people get the stem cell research, and it's won't cost anything more than you're already spending. Remember, the military spending increase is secret.

The truth (if you are a G20 leader, please stop reading here)
They think that we're stupid anyway so let them have their little victory. We got $29,000,000 for stem cell research to cure world diseases.

1 comment:

  1. Hi , made my way here from the apparalyzed forum. Did you actually send this? I love the way you wrote this, I'm sure someone will pay attention to it. you had the email back yet to say their in? hee hee